The Razzies of the Bharateeya blogs.

Edition 1 :
Gold Kela :: Lone Cypress
Silver Kela :: Gorgeous
Bronze Kela :: Ankh
Pulpy Kela :: Vikas Kh and Gaurav Sabnis

bananaramu {at} hotmail {dot} com

· 11/01/2003 - 12/01/2003 12/01/2003 - 01/01/2004  

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Tuesday, December 02, 2003

Adios Amigos....

To all you creepies and crawlies who actually bothered to keep on checking BBK baar-baar, hereby taking the page hits to astronomical heights: Adios. Banana Pundit has had lots of fun getting to know the Indian bloggers better and in their true colours. Go on with your loser lives: Go on! You can be a bigger loser! Banana Pundit is out of here and will not miss you at all.
:: Posted By Banana :: 11:25 PM :: Permalink ::

Tuesday, November 25, 2003

Edition 2 :: First Round Nominations

Welcome one and all to the second edition of BBK. Banana Pundit is here once again to present the never-ending horrors of the Indian blogs. Without wasting too many precious words, here are the two initial nominations:

1. Alok Naik :: The Story of Celery

Banana Pundit has few words of advice to all aspiring writers who seem to sprout all over the Indian blogorama - Don't write. This advice is specifically structured for the likes of Mr. Naik, who was hitherto undiscovered by Banana Pundit but for the sharp eyes of a watchful blogger who Banana Pundit credits with a modicum of good taste. The pain and agony that Banana Pundit underwent while reading the post can not be expressed in suitable words, so Banana Pundit posts a painful extract:
Thus was the once prosperous land shoved onto the path of destruction. One thing led to another, till civilization ground to a halt and industrialization took over. The next head of government was Celery; the same Celery who coined the term "Yabblins". He ruled more or less wisely for many years, doing the best he could. Then came news, one fine morning, that in far off India, a great war had begun. Celery immediately sent for the Hebrew translation of the Mahabharata (for Celery could understand only Hebrew); only to find that the Mahabharata had not been written till then. At this Celery grew exceedingly angry, for he wanted to know whether the opposition parties would ask him to interfere in the war (how reading the Mahabharata would have helped Celery is unclear to the present author). When a nuclear exchange seemed imminent, Celery took up the Hammer of Thor and rode out on his bicycle (for the horse was, by then, out of fashion) to set things right.

Another attempt to fill up Mr. Rushdie's shoes, but sadly, the blogger has miles to go. So now we know that the blogger is conversant with Indian mythology and knows his herbs but literature is clearly not his forte. A lot of things are unclear to the author, the first being the needless agony of posting such painful ramblings on his blog that is aptly called Rambling Tales of woe! There atleast the blogger did not go wrong, for the reader has to suffer humongous amounts of woe trying to read Mr. Naik's "stories".

2. Ricercar :: Tell me when

Banana Pundit was spoilt for choice on this blog and amazed at the amount of crap Indian women can shovel and try to pass off as poetry. Banana Pundit has a good mind to start another award - kachcha kela - for the stupidest(!) post with the maximum number of harebrained comments. If such an award did exist, this blogger would surely be this edition's winner. Banana Pundit also can't help but wonder whether the blogger's love life is a result of the blogger reading out her poetry (yeah, whatever) to her poor beau. No wonder the Indian blogosphere has to suffer this shmucky bathos.

Another painful extract:
u just dont care, that must be it
they were all lies u told me
nothing else could explain it.
why did u tell me u loved me

If Banana Pundit was the person in question, it too wouldn't care if it knew the blogger was in the habit of writing such horrifying, ludicrous verse.

More nominations to follow later...
:: Posted By Banana :: 12:23 AM :: Permalink ::

Saturday, November 15, 2003

Edition 1 :: The Winners (or shall we say losers?)

Ladies and Gentlemen! Here are the winners of the first edition of Bharateeya Blog Kela. Banana Pundit is slightly sorry about the slight delay in posting the winners. There were so many last moment nominations to choose from and separating the chaff from the wheat is no mean task and the last-minute rush was unanticipated. To come back to what my dear readers have been eagerly anticipating for the past two days, here are the winners:

Gold Kela :: Lone Cypress - For breaking all records for writing the most boring 100 things and to discourage other bloggers in the future to prevent them from doing so.
Silver Kela :: Gorgeous - For subjecting unsuspecting readers to abject misery by forcing them to read totally crappy AND not to forget copyrighted poetry.
Bronze Kela :: Ankh - For going the pseudo-intellectual way and for decreasing levels in the quality of posts as he wings westward. Banana Pundit can not help wondering whether general american stupidity is responsible for this sudden drop?

Pulpy Kela :: Gaurav Sabnis and Vikas Kh - For being sore losers and for once again proving that Indian males make extremely poor losers.

So until the next edition of the BBK on December 1st, Banana Pundit bids a fond farewell. Remember to rush in your next round of nominations before the 30th of November. The first round of nominations would be posted on the 22ndof November and the second round on the 30th of November.

Before Banana Pundit toodles off, it would like to thank all bloggers who visited, participated, commented and nominated for making the launch of BBK a grand success. Banana Pundit would especially like to thank all the nominators. You made my task so much simpler and also introduced the Banana Pundit to many, yet-to-be discovered flops er... blogs. And once again, do not forget to rush in your nominations for the second edition of BBK.
:: Posted By Banana :: 1:28 AM :: Permalink ::

Friday, November 14, 2003

Bharateeya Blog Kela #1 - More Nominees

Oh well, what can I say? The Bharateeya Blogosphere is riddled with raspberries bananas that offer themselves for the picking ;^) here's the second batch of contestants for the first ever BBK. Wish them luck!

13. Creative Chaos :: Bay Area Diary - Dinner at Buca's

I was of the opinion that self-obsessed, inanitites of life were the mainstay of newbie bloggers but I must say Dina Mehta's blog blew that away to smithereens! I also thought that as people grow old, they start writing "sense" instead of the Indian Blogosphere's staple diet of "I met A, I wore B, I ate C". Alas, Dina Mehta dispatched that illusion of mine too 'cos she is old and silly!

So what can we expect from an experienced, old and silly blogger with a suggestive-looking picture of hers bang on the home page? 25 bonus points to the rocket scientist who thought of the word "drivel" in their heads first!

Coming back to her post, I cannot understand exactly who the post is addressed at? Who in the world is interested in reading about Dina Mehta's dinner escapades in the Bay Area? Who in the world wants to see snaps of her surrounded by some equally funny-looking people eating food and looking at the camera with a Colgate smile on their lips? Who in the world wants to notice that Dina seems to be wearing the same black dress in all her snaps? Who in the world would be unable to count the number of teeth she's put on public display in each of her snaps(31!). Who in the world admires obviously fake snaps titled "Thats Danah and me looking at Clynton's little daughter's picture"!

Who? Who? Who?

Maybe getting out and meeting people was a tad too much for Dina to take as she seems to be hallucinating about building a new world order towards the end, "and i think we've built bridges .... lets now work together more and more in building this new world. I'm only now beginning to truly believe that distance does not seem to matter !"

Alas, I wish distance did matter...that way Dina wouldn't be able to post while she was away from India!

14. Gorgeous :: Wednesday, November 12, 2003, Why I Blog

I have a piece of legal advice for Gorgeous - there's no need to copyright your poems honey, 'cos NO ONE'S EVER GONNA COPY THEM!

As if the Indian blogosphere wasn't riddled with crappy prose(or what passes for it!), we are now forced to read 3rd-rate bathroom-inspired verse by people like Gorgeous! Check out the opening line of her poem, "Why I blog"...

I blog because my life's a bore, My head is empty, my feet are sore
I blog because my book of love, Has turned itself into a dove

See what I mean? What exactly is the sequence of events that lead grown-up people to churn out meaningless shit like this? As if subjecting readers to nursery rhymes like this wasn't enough, Gorgeous actually had the gall to put up a copyright disclaimer after it! I'm sure half the world's publishers are rueing their fate my dear "Diva"!

Along with laws against list-based posts, there should be a law against bloggers posting idiotic poems on their blogs and leading unsuspecting readers into reading them by literally forcing it down their poor, suffering gullets. What's worse is the fact that numerous airheads have actually commented on the "poem" and even congratulated Gorgeous for it! In fact the comments area must be like a weird, parallel universe inhabited by brainless morons who haven't read poetry after "Humpty Dumpty", or woke up from a coma that lasted 20 years! I have half a good mind to publish the urls of the morons who're encouraging such assault's on intelligence by commenting on the post, but then some of them might decide to start writing on their own, so better let them remain commenters - it's the lesser of the evils!

15. Bombay Times :: Bathroom Singing

Here's a piece of sincere advice to all of you bloggers when you're stuck for an idea to blog about - ask a stupid question!

What song do you sing in your bathroom shower? I caught myself singing Boss Kaun tha from Jhankaar beats... I play this song on the computer every evening...overdose I guess!!!

Doesn't require too much in the upper storey to ask such questions does it? Besides such posts are the perfect post template for idiots...guess why? Because on one hand it allows you to come up with posts on a regular basis("why do fish swim?", "why does the sun set?", "why do my socks stink?"), and on the other hand they're open-ended enough(read: stupid) for any Amar, Akbar and Anthony to comment upon! The fact that this post attracted 36 comments is a shining testimony to my observation!

I'm fast coming to the conclusion that the Indian blogosphere is quite the opposite of a magnet because in here, like actually attracts like! And this post and the comments are a prime example of the same!

16. Starfest :: Wednesday, November 12

What is it about blogdrive that encourages so many ding-a-ling bloggers to choose it as their blogging service? Banana Pundit must carry out appropriate investigations into this matter of pithy concern.

And for now, yet another nomination that is truly well-deserved. Ladies and Gentlemen! Banana Pundit presents Starfest - Our vacuous, self-obssessed blogger of the fortnight. How many bloggers have the ability to turn some as mundane as giving directions to a person and having a coffee with them into an event that requires "amazing insight and blinding clarity"?

The problem with the Indian education system is that we equip IQ-challenged people with a knowledge of English that lets them stretch something beyond unimaginable limits. In the hands of people like Starfest, English is like a weapon, a weapon that has only one setting for destroying brain cells - FRY! So instead of saying, "I had coffee with a guy who almost crashed into my car", we have to steel ourselves from the entire post!

Maybe it's time the British made a representation to the UN Security Council to label English as a "dual-use technology" that needs to be prevented from falling into the wrong hands. Because in the hands of twits like Starfest, English is more dangerous than WMD in Saddam's!

17. Nikita :: About Jeans

Another pointless, witless and scattered post(don't they ever die? Can't we nuke them or something?). Stupidity must be like getting the EBOLA virus I guess...once you knew you're infected, you want to infect the rest of the world with it too. How else does one explain this gem

When your jeans are too tight for you, it's time to gym! So here's my calculation:
Instead of buying new jeans, u spend that amount on joining a gym.
The catch is, u hv to go regularly!

Banana Pundit thinks women in general make better bloggers(I alas, remain a hermaphrodite!) but Indian women bloggers seem to dispel this as a myth. Why do women automatically assume that anyone would be interested in reading about their insensate non-life altering activities such as this: Did a mehendi design on my own yesterday. It's so de-stressing to do such artistic stuff. It didnt turn out too good but it felt good.

Finally, as if in order to generate the "Awwwws", the post is spiced with some mother lovin' thrown in, thus: Also realised tht i love mom twice as much as i thought i did. What would i do without her.

Apart from the pointless desultory post, Banana Pundit nearly had a fit when it realised that here was another blogger who had escaped the benefits of an education! Punctuation, spelling and grammar seem to be alien concepts on Indian blogs. Banana Pundit can only wring its hands in despair and pop another aspirin to counter the splitting headache sparked off by having to review yet another half-witted blog.

18. A Faineant's Tale :: November 6, 2003

Judging from some of the posts floating around the Indian blogosphere, you'd think that Walmart had a clearance sale of punctuation marks! Shuchita's posts are so peppered with question marks, exclamation marks and dots that it looks like she bought a truckload of them at bargaint basement prices.

That alas, is not the only thing that plagues this blog. It's the pointless series of question-answer sentences that seem to be the blog's trademark. Sample these two sentences...

The Matrix reviews are out... another damp squib ???
It's been one illness after another and it's all because of an improper diet... here's to a more sensible me !! But twelve glasses of water in a day ?? ummm... yeh kuch zyada nahi hua ?!?

Shuchita is more scared of "pricks" than "visits to the doctor". As if assuming that we are interested in gleaming this million-dollar piece of information, she adds insult to injury by proceeding to explain to us what a "prick" means, "those sharp pointy things that doctors poke at you to check your blood sugar levels and other levels and counts..."

Really? I would have never known if not for you Shuchs dearie! Can I present this wonderful, idiot-proof definition to the Indian Medical Association so that they can put it out on all "pricks" that are sold in India? Please?

19. The redolence of defunct phantasm :: November 9, 2003

If writing intellectual-sounding titles was enough to make your blog popular, Instapundit and this blogger would have to swap places! Somehow it's always worse when a blogger gives a complex name to a blog, and then promptly proceeds to stuff it with nonsense! Sort of like ordering for a "Tournedos Rossini" and getting served idlis and vadas!

Coming back to the nameless post, it beginning clearly speaks of the blogger's love for Star Trek.

"Its 1.29pm on sunday the 9th of november."

The post follows the well-known method of post-construction that consists of writing simple, humdrum sentences seperated by empty spaces to give each line more importance than it deserves, and to mask the fact that writing a proper paragraph is something that most people are unaware of. Guaranteed to make the post seem more "thinky" than the person who's written it has ever felt in his/her life!

The clincher is ending the post with metaphorical statements and open-ended question. Like,

"When will all this end?
Oh sleep, blissful sleep...
I await thee..."

I suspect this blogger, Lavanya whateverhernameis, has yet come into contact with one or more of the various informal braindead desi blog associations, else she would have had atleast 30 comments for this post instead of 3. Just a matter of time I guess before one of the desi's "discover" another "gem" in their midst.

20. Vantage Point :: November 10, 2003

Nothing like a little bit of vacuous psycho-analysis to appear more intelligent than you are! Gaurav Sabnis psycho-analyzes trolls, and holds forth to his brainless minions on the probable events that lead trolls to where they are today. Professor Sabnis has the following to say on trolls...

"These are people who were probably spoilt or mistreated kids suffering from an acute inferiority complex...........which arises from the fact that they are probably inferior to almost everyone they know. However they want to boost their own egos. Since they cant do this by feeling proud about their own talents or accomplishments........thanks to the utter and total absence of any such things........they feel they can do so by berating others and stabbing holes into others' work. So if they take a potshot at someone, it gives them a depraved sense of accomplishment."

If Freud were still alive, he'd be sitting in front of Professor Sabnis with a glazed, glassy expression in his eyes, waiting patiently for the next pearls of psycho-analysis to spring forth. The only thing worse that having idiots use their scant knowledge of a topic to make their opinion seem theoretical, is having readers who don't know enough to object. In fact the Indian blogosphere is so riddled with zombies that you could use calculus to prove that 1 = 2 and you'd have the usual gang of blogger-commenters going, "Cooool! This is SO amazin!!" Thus, Gaurav uses the vast brainlessness of the Indian blogosphere to his own advantage as can be seen by this post.

Although this is not really connected to the post, yet I cannot resist noticing the fact that a lot of moron blogs publish inane information about themselves in a desperate attempt to try and present something interesting to their readers. In tthe case of Gaurav, he bombards us with nonsense like his location, the music he's listening to, the movies on his waiting list, the books he's reading, his pet hates, his pet loves and whatnot! Maybe I need to add some sections like these on my own blog..."Currently head!", "currently imagining...intelligence in the Indian blogosphere", "currently die, and be reborn as the owner of Blogger so that I can put blogs like this out of their misery!".

What do you, my dear and loving readers say?

21. Sunshine :: 10 November, 2003

When someone told me that this blogger works for India Today, I immediately thought she must be a receptionist or something. I mean how can someone who turns out meaningless bole like this, under the apt brainless title of "Sunshine" work for India's leading newsweekly? Is journalism so easy to get into?

"Last night, I realised that there are times, when distance is a good thing."

What? Students of english literature will notice the brilliance with which Ms.Nidhi engages her readers with such an innocuous-seeming sentence. The reader is left wondering, "Last night? Why last night? Why not day-before night? Or a week before? And what does she mean by distance? Was she standing besides a roaring ocean? Or was she last in line for a ticket for Matrix Revolutions? Was she studying perspective in architectural drawing? What?!?"

What is it that makes bloggers churn out useless information on the food they eat, the amount of sleep they managed, the clothes they get? Do they think that people are really interested in all this? Or are there people who are really interested in all this? Is there a vicarious pleasure in writing about mundane everyday events on your blog, and imagining people actually reading about all of that? Is it like a meta-perspective on your reader's (voyeuristic) cravings(heck! I'm sounding like Gaurav Sabnis!)?

Whatever it is, it don't work with Banana Pundit honey! If I had my way, I'd stuff "Sunshine" down where the sun don't shine! I think it's time Indian journalism adopted some quality control before letting people in. An ISO-9001 might have prevented people like Nidhi from ever crossing the first step on the altar of journalism!

Watch this space closely for the results of the first ever BBK tomorrow!
:: Posted By Banana :: 6:29 AM :: Permalink ::

Wednesday, November 12, 2003

How it works

14 days

The Bharateeya Blog Kela, henceforth called "BBK", will run on a fortnightly schedule in order to avoid a burn-out of it's star resource - Banana Pundit! The very first BBK edition(this one) is for the period 31st October to 13th November(corrected from earlier) and will cover nominations inside that date window.

Yes my rocket scientists, it follows that the 2nd edition of the BBK will cover the 2 weeks starting from 15th November and ending on 27th November.

The results of the fortnightly Mela will be announced on the Friday following the end date. In this case that would mean 14th November.

3+1 Kelas

1. Gold Kela
2. Silver Kela
3. Bronze Kela

4. Pulpy Kela - Special Award


The Banana Pundit is neither a cannibal nor a narcissist for me to nominate and review my own posts. If some of you think I need to be trashed, go ahead and do it...more power to the Blog Kela concept!

The Banana Pundit has no affiliations (read: no morals, standings, leanings!) or any personal axes to grind. However Banana Pundit can not read bad writing and is allergic to boredom. Hence no one will be spared whether it be "personal" blogs or "pundit" blogs.

The Banana Pundit is amused to see people fighting among themselves nominating and defending their favourite blogs. It is the Banana Pundit's advice to all you people to go out more often.

The Banana Pundit is a hermaphrodite.

The Banana Pundit is now bored...see you all on Friday, 14th November for the results of the 1st ever BBK!
:: Posted By Banana :: 3:05 AM :: Permalink ::